Yeeterprise™INCIDENT FILE · YEET-0311 · CLASSIFICATION: TOP GROUND
You are not supposed to be here.
This file is retained for regulatory reasons and is otherwise not to be opened, referenced, printed, framed, or brought up at the holiday party. Since you found it, here is what we can release.
1. Summary
On ████ ██, 2021, at approximately ██:██, a staff member attempted a throw nobody had modeled, forecast, or, in any meaningful sense, thought about. The intended payload was a decorative object. The actual payload was not that. There was an aquarium. The aquarium was involved.
2. The goldfish
There was a goldfish — the one detail we are cleared to confirm. Its name was ████. The goldfish survived. It is, in fact, thriving, in an undisclosed ████ under 24-hour supervision, and has been named an honorary Trajectory Specialist for a landing none of us could have modeled. It does not wish to be contacted.
3. What we learned
Everything. We learned everything from the aquarium. The Do-Not-Yeet registry — entry DNY-0013, "a live goldfish" especially — exists because of ████████. The registry is why nothing like this has happened since. Which is why we have the registry. Which is why we need not discuss the aquarium. It is, in every sense that matters, handled.
4. Persons present
████████████, ████████, ████████████████, and one (1) ████ who has asked that we stop mentioning it, which we will now do.
R. Regret
Regret attributable to this incident: 0. The number has never moved. It never will. The goldfish is fine.
THE MATTER IS CLOSED